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Sex Advice & Spice!
Dear Dr. Melanie,
I am a fantasia rep and currently experiencing something new! I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. When it comes to sex he never starts it! I always make the first move, then this is what happens. He eithet cant get it up, cant get completely hard unless he is rubbing himself, or flat out says no! He tells me that sex isnt important to him or he lets his head get in the way! Far as i know everything is ok in his life no stress or anything and he is healthy. This really disturbes me and he refuses to see a doc. Thanks, Frist Move
Dear First Move ,
Without knowing your partner's age or sexual history, and without knowing anything about your relationship dynamics, it's impossible to be too concrete. However, consider the possibility that he may...
1) have a naturally low sex drive
2) take medication/recreational drugs/alcohol that decrease sex drive
3) have age-related, emotional, or health issues that affect his sexual expression
4) be more stressed/preoccupied than you realize
5) be turned on by something/someone other than you
6) masturbate so often to the same technique, fantasies or porn that he requires them to get aroused
7) enjoy a different type of sex than you enjoy/require
8) want to focus more on intimacy first; sexual intercourse second
9) have performance anxiety/fear of failure
10) not have a chance to initiate because you beat him to it
The best time to discuss these possibilities is outside of the bedroom, in a non-sexual situation. Communication style is important because you don't want him to feel defensive. Focus on how this affects you by saying, "I enjoy making love with you, and I wish we could be together more often. Can we discuss how to create more intimacy in ways that are enjoyable for both of us?" Then wait for him to respond without jumping in to say more. If he doesn't answer or doesn't want to talk, say, "I understand you don't want to discuss this now. That's fine, but I'd like to have this conversation before the end of the week. Our difference in sexual desire is seriously affecting
the health of our relationship."
At some point in the conversation, suggest that you visit a sex therapist together. Present it as a relationship concern, not as his problem to fix. You can find a certified sex therapist or counselor near you at www.AASECT.org If he doesn't agree to get help, you have some tough choices to make. Can you live with a partner who isn't interested in your concerns? Should you invest more time in someone with whom you aren't sexually compatible? If you want to stay with him but need sex, might the two of you consider opening up your relationship so you can enjoy sex with another partner? A sex therapist or educator can help you think through some of your options.
Dear Dr. Melanie,
I'm 35 years old and sense the birth of my third child 16 months ago my want and desire for sex is just not there at all and it's affecting our relationship he thinks I'm no longer sexual attracted to him or want him anymore and that's not the case at all Dr. Melanie, PLEASE HELP ME I want my sex drive and desire for sex back, I WANT TO WANT SEX AGAIN!!!! Thanks, Third Time Mom
Dear Third Time Mom ,
For many moms, there is so much physical contact with kids during the day that a partner's sexual desire seems like just one more demand on your body.
Aside from the physical effort of chasing a 16-month old while caring for older children, you may be mentally exhausted from entertaining them, caring for your household, and/or being employed. You may have other obligations, too. It may be hard to shake the sense that your body, time, or mind don't belong to you anymore. This is perfectly normal and absolutely frustrating. It's time to gather the troops and ask for help.
--Enlist your older children in picking up toys, clearing the table, sorting laundry, and entertaining the baby. Depending on their ages, they may be able to provide more help. --Enlist your husband's help with caring for the kids and the house. If he balks and says he's too tired after work to help, remind him that parenthood is a 24-hour-a-day job for both of you.
--Build in an hour a day when both you and your husband are off duty; alternate the schedule. Use the time to read, meditate, dance, garden, paint your nails or do anything else that recharges your energy and sense of self. --Build in "date time" for you and your husband each week. If getting child care is a challenge, schedule dates for times the kids are sleeping, napping, or engaged in TV or videos. Use the private time to reconnect intimately, with no requirement for sexual activity. Sometimes, a conversation about a mutual interest can be more intimate than having sex. Tell your husband how much he means to you, giving specific feedback. He needs to feel that he is as important to you as your kids are. --Exercise to get your blood flowing and to get back in touch with your body. --Masturbate. Desire creates desire, so the more pleasure you give your body, the more your body will feel the urge for sex. Find a time when you'll have some privacy -- maybe when your husband showers and the kids are still asleep. Or when you take a shower or bath.
--Say yes, even if you're tired. Sex researchers have found that women often get physically aroused before they experience the emotional state of sexual desire. The next time your husband reaches for you, instead of pushing his hand away, invite him to massage your lower back. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy the feel of his hands on your body. Allow yourself to feel the pleasure of loving adult contact. As his hands explore, odds are, your body will respond and your desire will build.
Dear Dr. Melanie,
I am a Fantasia rep and was recently asked by my mother where the "y-spot" is. She was in a conversation where they were discussing the different "spots" there are (g-spot,a-spot,etc.) I only knew about the g-spot! Is there such a thing as the y-spot? And how many "spots" are there? Thanks so much!. Thanks, Fantasia Rep
Dear Fantasia Rep ,
People drum up new slang names for body parts with impressive regularity, and “Y spot” is one of them. Consider the lines created by a woman’s closed legs and the creases at the hip on both sides of her mons pubis (the hairy fat pad over the pubic bone). These lines form a V, leading to a slang term for cunnilingus (oral sex on a female), which is, “eating out at the Y.” Then again, you can consider the Y spot to be akin to, “Why, oh why, is my partner touching me there?!?”
The G spot is legitimate. Discovered by Dr. Ernst Grafenburg in the 1940s, it was named and introduced to popular culture in the 1980s. It refers to an area of glandular tissue surrounding the urethra that engorges with fluid when a woman is sexually aroused. Some women reach orgasm when the G spot is massaged through the vagina.
The “P spot” refers to the male prostate gland, which can be stimulated with a finger or toy through the rectum. Some men find this type of stimulation extremely enjoyable; others are grossed out by the idea of anal or rectal stimulation. If you experiment with prostate stimulation, get permission, use lots of lubrication, go slowly, communicate every step of the way, and if you use toys, only use those with a wide base that will keep the toy from “getting lost” inside the rectum.
The human body has an infinite capability to be aroused in many ways, so it’s not inconceivable that people would want to share their discoveries and name them. But just because someone likes nipple stimulation doesn’t mean we need to start talking about the “N spot.” Forgo the names and enjoy the games, I say!
Dear Dr. Melanie,
I love to have sex but I have never felt the feeling of an orgasm. I can cum if it's by oral sex or masturbation. Please doc give me some advice??? --- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated ,
If you can "cum," you have had an orgasm, so what I believe what you're saying is that while you orgasm through masturbation and oral sex, you do not experience orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse. The great majority of women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, and they just don't get it from penile penetration in the vagina. That's not to say intercourse doesn't feel good, but it's just not going to lead to a woman's orgasm unless the guy "rides" high enough to rub his pubic bone or the base of his penis against the clitoris as he thrusts. Some women can reach orgasm through stimulation of the G spot through the front wall of the vagina (rear entry helps), but they are in the minority. Try experimenting with different positions for intercourse, including those that allow you or your partner to manually stimulate your clitoris during intercourse. Ultimately, it's not how you reach orgasm or even whether you reach orgasm each time you have sex
-- enjoy the journey!
Dear Sahara,
I hear your frustration, since you face a number of challenges. I'm glad that you are seeing a healthcare provider for your Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS). PCOS is a tough because your hormones are out of whack, causing a host of problems with menstruation, ovulation, fertility, facial hair, thin scalp hair, blood sugar, skin discoloration, and weight gain. PCOS puts you at higher risk for diabetes, so be sure your healthcare provider monitors your insulin level.
Your vaginal dryness is likely connected to two things: PCOS and low arousal. In addition to your medical treatment, try these tips:
- Drink water. A dry body means a dry vagina and vulva. Avoid soda, alcohol, and salty foods (processed foods, restaurant and fast foods contain lots of hidden salt).
- Speak to a nutritionist about a food plan that will help you produce more estrogen and lose as much weight as possible, given your PCOS.
- Exercise at least 30 minutes a day to boost your circulation all over (including in your sexual tissues). Exercise is good for your emotional and physical health.
- Use a silicon-based lubricant, like Fantasia's He Wolf Duo. Avoid pharmacy/grocery store products with preservatives, glycerin, and artificial flavors and scents.
- At night, moisturize your labia (external pink parts) and the opening to your vagina with plain hemp, coconut, almond or olive oil. To moisturize your vagina, insert a Vitamin E gel capsule; the capsule will dissolve naturally. If these solutions aren't sufficient, ask your doctor about topical estrogen cream for your labia and/or Vagifem vaginal inserts and Estrace vaginal cream for internal use.
- Masturbate, in private, every day. You can do it in the shower or bath, if that's the only private space available to you. Self-play, even if you don't experience orgasm, is good for your tissues! It improves circulation, gets your juices flowing, and teaches you what kind of touch turns you on. Fantasia has a range of water-resistant and water-proof vibrators that you can play with. When you are ready for partner sex, take some private time beforehand to get your motor running before you connect with your fiance.
- Invite your partner to join you in mutual masturbation, meaning you'll both touch your own bodies and genitals so the other can watch and learn. When you both do it, you may feel less embarrassed. Read my earlier post in Sex Advice and Spice to learn about sensate focus exercises.
Libido is different from arousal because libido (sex drive, desire for sex) is an emotional thing, while arousal (nipple erection, vaginal lubrication,
etc.) is a physical thing. Why are other big women
so hot for sex? Most likely, they are confident about their sexuality and their partner's desire for them. I highly recommend Hanne Blank's terrific book "Big, Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them" (Greenery Press,2000). I also suggest that you speak to a sex therapist to explore whether your current relationship suits you. Seventeen years is a long time to stay in a relationship that isn't pleasing you or him. You deserve to be happy and horny. Don't settle for anything less. Wettest wishes!
Dear Moan-a,
Why assume he's not as turned on as you are? Maybe he's just interested in a little variety. Or maybe he needs reassurance that he's pleasing you (moans may be hard to interpret). Then again, he may be watching porn and mistakenly thinking that you can't possibly be having as much fun as the women onscreen.
You need to talk, outside the bedroom, to see what's really going on. Everyone expresses sexual pleasure differently, and while he has a right to ask for some feedback, he doesn't have a right to ask you to censor or change the sounds you make while you're getting off. If he's comparing you to the women he sees in porn, remind him that they're called actors for a reason. Also, many porn scenes have the sound effects and "dialog" dubbed in after the fact.
He may be concerned that he's coming too fast or too slow for your pleasure, so throw him a signal you can both agree on, if words aren't comfortable for you. If he needs more affirmation that he's pleasing you, give it to him. You might say, "Wow, that feels really good," or "Yeah, right there," or "I love it what you're doing right now." Or compliment his body, his penis, the way he smells -- anything you can think of that you can say sincerely. Consider telling him in advance that while you'll try to be more verbal during sex play, during your orgasm you're going to do what comes naturally.
If you're willing to engage in sexy talk, you can get more ideas by reading erotica. Do an online search for "women's erotica" to find free stories, or check out books like "Aqua Erotica" or "Wet" by Mary Ann Mohanraj (it's waterproof for tub fun!). Violet Blue's "Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women" is another great option.
Dear Dr. Melanie,
I've heard a couple of women talk about "squirting". They say it's a different way to have an orgasm, like having many at one time. I am not familiar with this term and wondered if you could explain this to me. Thanks, Squirtless
Dear Squirtless,
They are referring to female ejaculation and G spot orgasm. Some women enjoy deep stimulation of tissue between the vagina and urethra. The sexology and medical communities are still debating whether this is a set of paraurethral glands that fill with prostatic-like fluid (like male semen, without sperm) or whether what's being stimulated is really the clitoral crura. The parts of the clitoris that are usually visible are the hood, the glans (the tip) and the shaft. The rest of the clitoris is internal and extends downward, like a wishbone of erectile tissue that hugs the vagina.
Setting aside the debate, there is no question that using fingers or a curved toy to stimulate this location can lead to orgasm for some women. Rear-entry intercourse can also be a way to reach the area. However, not all women enjoy this targeted stimulation, which can create a sensation or urinary urgency for a short time. During a G spot orgasm, some women release (squirt) up to a cup of fluid, while others may release only a few drops, too little to notice. The fluid is expelled from the urethral but is not urine from the bladdar; rather, it is released (in a process called
transudation) through the tissue wall into the urethra.
Orgasm shouldn't be a contest between which kind of orgasm is better than another. Long ago, sexologists debunked Dr. Sigmund Freud's argument that the only mature female orgasm occurred during penile-vaginal intercourse. Women are lucky enough to be able to experience orgasm from many types of stimulation. Have fun exploring them all!
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