Melanie Davis, PhD Owner of the firm Honest Exchange LLC Dr. Melanie provides sex ed consulting by phone and in person to clients of all ages, orientations and sexual identities. Author of “Taking the Mystery Out of Female Orgasm” and “Sexuality Talking Points: A Guide Toward Thoughtful Conversations Between Parents and Children.” Dr. Melanie is a sex educator, speaker, and consultant for both consumers and professionals. Certified Sexuality Educator designated by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), she earned a doctorate through Widener University’s prestigious Graduate Program in Human Sexuality.   For more information about Dr. Melanie and her services, or for free resources, please visit www.HonestExchange.com

Sex Advice & Spice! The Archives
With Dr. Melanie Davis, CSE

Ask Dr. Melanie your own question here.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
Me and boyfriend have been together for almost a year. He wants me to talk more in bed but to be honest, I really don't know what to say. The sex is great, but I don't know what to say while I'm moaning. What do I do? What do I say? I want him to be just as turned on as I am. Thanks, Moan-a

Dear Moan-a,
Why assume he's not as turned on as you are? Maybe he's just interested in a little variety. Or maybe he needs reassurance that he's pleasing you (moans may be hard to interpret). Then again, he may be watching porn and mistakenly thinking that you can't possibly be having as much fun as the women onscreen.

You need to talk, outside the bedroom, to see what's really going on. Everyone expresses sexual pleasure differently, and while he has a right to ask for some feedback, he doesn't have a right to ask you to censor or change the sounds you make while you're getting off. If he's comparing you to the women he sees in porn, remind him that they're called actors for a reason. Also, many porn scenes have the sound effects and "dialog" dubbed in after the fact.

He may be concerned that he's coming too fast or too slow for your pleasure, so throw him a signal you can both agree on, if words aren't comfortable for you. If he needs more affirmation that he's pleasing you, give it to him. You might say, "Wow, that feels really good," or "Yeah, right there," or "I love it what you're doing right now." Or compliment his body, his penis, the way he smells -- anything you can think of that you can say sincerely. Consider telling him in advance that while you'll try to be more verbal during sex play, during your orgasm you're going to do what comes naturally.

If you're willing to engage in sexy talk, you can get more ideas by reading erotica. Do an online search for "women's erotica" to find free stories, or check out books like "Aqua Erotica" or "Wet" by Mary Ann Mohanraj (it's waterproof for tub fun!). Violet Blue's "Lust: Erotic Fantasies for Women" is another great option.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I've heard a couple of women talk about "squirting". They say it's a different way to have an orgasm, like having many at one time. I am not familiar with this term and wondered if you could explain this to me. Thanks, Squirtless

Dear Squirtless,
They are referring to female ejaculation and G spot orgasm. Some women enjoy deep stimulation of tissue between the vagina and urethra. The sexology and medical communities are still debating whether this is a set of paraurethral glands that fill with prostatic-like fluid (like male semen, without sperm) or whether what's being stimulated is really the clitoral crura. The parts of the clitoris that are usually visible are the hood, the glans (the tip) and the shaft. The rest of the clitoris is internal and extends downward, like a wishbone of erectile tissue that hugs the vagina. 

Setting aside the debate, there is no question that using fingers or a curved toy to stimulate this location can lead to orgasm for some women. Rear-entry intercourse can also be a way to reach the area. However, not all women enjoy this targeted stimulation, which can create a sensation or urinary urgency for a short time. During a G spot orgasm, some women release (squirt) up to a cup of fluid, while others may release only a few drops, too little to notice. The fluid is expelled from the urethral but is not urine from the bladdar; rather, it is released (in a process called transudation) through the tissue wall into the urethra.

Orgasm shouldn't be a contest between which kind of orgasm is better than another. Long ago, sexologists debunked Dr. Sigmund Freud's argument that the only mature female orgasm occurred during penile-vaginal intercourse. Women are lucky enough to be able to experience orgasm from many types of stimulation. Have fun exploring them all!

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My husband doesn't last very long in bed and it bothers him as well as myself. I enjoy sex with him but am not fully satisfied. He won't talk to a doctor about it because he is embarrassed. Is there anything we can do to prolong his ejaculation without seeking medical help? -Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,
How long is "very long"? 3 minutes? 20 minutes? 60 minutes? I can't tell whether his issue is premature ejaculation (PE) or that he comes just a bit faster than you. Or perhaps he loses his erection quickly without ejaculating, which could indicate erectile dysfunction (ED).

I will offer some suggestions, but your husband needs a physical exam anyway. He can start with his doctor, and if something seems medically amiss, he may be referred to a urologist. He could also talk to a sex therapist. There is no reason to be embarrassed -- PE and ED are extremely common issues (about 20% of men experience PE, including young men). These professionals treat it on a regular basis, and they generally have a high success rate with PE and ED, which can have physical and/or psychological causes.

Sexologists no longer use a clock to measure "long enough" lovemaking; instead, we define PE as a lack of ejaculatory control that interferes with either partner's (or both's) sexual or emotional satisfaction. Your husband may come quickly because you don't have sex often, and he gets super excited when it does. If he masturbates before making love with you, he will relieve pent-up urges and may last longer during intercourse. Consider his age, though -- older men take longer to have a second erection, so if your husband is over 50-ish, he may want to self pleasure in the morning or the night before.

The squeeze technique may also help. Before he reaches the ejaculation point-of-no-return, he or you can firmly squeeze the base of his penis after he pulls out of you. That will disrupt the orgasm signals. When he gives the go-ahead, you can continue intercourse. He can practice this while masturbating, too. Another suggestion is for him to pull out of you the moment he starts to feel his orgasm coming on and focus on manually or orally stimulating you. He can also wear a thicker condom to create a duller sensation. Caution: Do not use a condom with Benzocaine or other numbing agents because they will numb you, too!

Now, let's focus on you. If you have had orgasms with penile-vaginal thrusting alone, fine. But if it hasn't happened yet, it may not happen even if hubby stays hard for days. Roughly 75% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Usually, that direct stimulation would happen only with a hand (yours or his), a vibrator, or one of you positioned high enough that the base of his penis rubs your clitoris as he thrusts in and out of you. Free your husband from the pressure of thinking that if only he could stay hard longer, he'd be able to please you sexually. Together, explore other kinds of stimulation that will be satisfying for you, e.g., he could penetrate you with a dildo or strap-on, or he could use a vibrator on the inside or outside (or both!) of you.

As you experiment, you may find that his "problem" was a blessing in disguise.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
This is my second marriage and my husband and I have been married since September of 2009. We don't make love very much. We make love once every other month. I am 41 and he is 38. Most of the fighting we do is over sex. I am the one that wants its and he doesn't. He doesn't even like to kiss. I have tried to talk with him, and he either says I know we need to improve on things or he tells me its gets old talking about it and its always the same thing. I try to express to him that its not just about the sex its everything kiss, hand holding, cuddling. He says he has gotten comfortable in our relationship. I don't know where to turn anymore this have been a problem for awhile.-Cold Shoulder

Dear Cold Shouldered,
I'm sorry that you feel so isolated from your husband in terms of affection, intimacy and sexual activity. I wish I could help you directly, but your situation requires different expertise. You and your husband have significant relationship issues to address, given that he seems to have no interest in showing you affection. He should have a complete physical exam, including blood work for Testosterone levels, to ensure that there is no medical reason for his lack of libido (sex drive). At the same time, make an appointment with a sex therapist -- you can find a certified sex therapist in your area at www.AASECT.org. If your husband refuses to participate in problem solving, please see a therapist on your own because you will need to decide whether you want to continue living in an affection-free marriage.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I'm so upset with myself. My boyfriend tries so hard to please me with oral sex until I have an orgasm, but it takes me hours if it happens at all, and it frustrates us. I feel so bad when it doesn't take place. He seems to think it's something he's doing or not doing. Please help us.-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
If it's taking you "hours" to cum, consider whose timetable you're using. On average, women take about 20 minutes to climax from oral sex, which means that some take much longer, and some take much less time. There is no "correct" length of time to experience orgasm. If he is trying to please you first, and you're worried that you're keeping him from his orgasm, you both may be trying to rush through an activity that shouldn't be on a time table. If he comes before going down on you, he may give the impression that he'd rather hit the pillow than your vulva -- or you may assume he feels that way, even if he doesn't.

Orgasms are funny, in that the harder women try for them, the less likely they are. I use the words "experience orgasm" instead of "have, get, achieve, or give" orgasm because the best way to experience orgasm is to stop trying, to let go of any expectations, to relax, and to float into pleasurable sensations without expectation. Usually, when you stop working so hard at it, the orgasm will arrive.

Your partner needs to stop working so hard to deliver an orgasm to you because he can't. You're partners in the experience, not sole providers (unless you're masturbating). All he can do is to explore different types of tongue movements, intensities of licking and sucking, varied speeds, and combinations of oral and manual stimulation. You may respond more to indirect stimulation than direct clitoral stimulation. You may enjoy firm stroking of your G spot during oral stimulation. If you have enjoyed oral sex before, what's different now? Is the pressure too strong? Are you numb from too much attention to the same spot? Does he have facial hair or whiskers that distract you? Is he diving at your clitoris without manual stimulation or other activity that builds your arousal?

Experiment for a bit, and if nothing changes, consider an oral sex time-out. Experience pleasure through manual stimulation, intercourse, self-touch during intercourse, toys, etc. without any pressure to try oral sex. When you're both confident that you can experience orgasm non-orally, you may be ready to start fresh. I suggest you try a new oral sex instructional video offered by Fantasia Home Parties and produced by the sex educators on the Better Sex Video Series.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I am married for 2 years and my wife is not into sex at all. It annoys me and dont know what to do. We are both are 27. I come to her every night but she pushes me back. We have sex once a month. Can you help me out on what to do? I want to have sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. She doesn’t like oral sex – she thinks it’s disgusting. She doesn’t do any other positions besides missionary.–Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
I understand your frustration, since most people in their mid-twenties have a fairly high sex drive; however, a lot of issues may be at play here. Many women and women aren’t into oral sex because they’ve been taught that the only acceptable type of sex is intercourse with the man on top. Her religious and family background may explain her views. Outside the bedroom, ask her why she doesn’t want to try new positions or why she thinks some things are disgusting rather than simply not of interest to her. You may also gently ask whether she had a bad sexual experience that affected her feelings about sex. These issues may require a sex therapist’s help to work through.

The fact that you “come to her every night” may be part of the problem, too. Offer to take a sex break for a week or two (you can masturbate to your heart’s content in privacy, to honor the sex break with her). Promise her that during this break, all you want to do is cuddle, kiss, or swap massages (if she’s OK with that) with the understanding that nothing else will happen sexually.  Do not wander your hands over her body or even consider oral or vaginal sex.  Even if she says it’s OK to go ahead, remind her that a deal’s a deal, and you’re honoring it. You might even say, “Babe, this is difficult for me because you are so desirable, but I only want to have sex if you want it as much as I do.”  Outside of the bedroom, tell her how beautiful she is, how much you love her, how much you enjoy her company and conversation, etc. Show her that she’s attractive to you all the time. When she feels valued for more than her mouth or vagina, she may start asking you for sex.   

Also consider what she’s getting – or not getting – out of each sexual experience. If she’s not aroused before you touch her genitals, the touch will feel annoying. If she’s not aroused before your penis enters her, she’ll hurt during and after sex. And given her feelings about oral sex, she’s just going to be mad at you for requesting it. So back off on that one until you resolve the other issues.

Think about practical issues, too –

If none of this works, suggest that she discuss her lack of sexual interest with her doctor. She may have low hormone levels that can be adjusted with medication. Also, she may already be taking medications (anti-depressants, perhaps) that lower her sexual interest.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
Will over-the-counter products cure UTI’s? –Tired of Cranberry Juice

Dear Tired,
If you think you have a urinary tract infection, your best bet is to visit your healthcare provider for a urine test. It’s easy – you pee into a clean up, and the nurse will dip a test stick into it. The strip will turn colors depending on the diagnosis. Your provider will then be able to tell whether it’s a UTI or cystitis, which is more of an irritation. You’ll get antibiotics for the UTI, and you’ll be told to drink lots of water for mild cystitis. Your provider may also test you for a bladder infection or a sexually transmitted infection, depending on your symptoms.

An over-the-counter product may work, but your first step should be to get a proper diagnosis and ask your provider about your treatment options.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My husband wants to try bondage – he wants me to tie him to the bed and then “have my way” with him. I’m willing to try it but don’t know where to start. –Bond(age) Girl

Dear Bond(age) Girl,
Some couples like to create a scene, or role play, to get into the spirit of things, while others move from general foreplay or massage into bondage. There are many levels of it, from fantasy, i.e., stretching out your body and imagining you’re tied up, to holding a pose and laying a scarf or tie over your wrists of ankles without being actually tied, to using body tape (doesn’t stick to skin or hair), Japanese ropes, or other types of straps. Fantasia Home Parties has some beginner items you might want to try. Be sure to set up a safe word before starting, so you and your partner know to stop the scene immediately upon hearing the word. Make sure it’s a word you wouldn’t ordinarily use during a sexual encounter. Also, talk about exactly what each of you expects from the other – if he wants to play for 5 minutes, you don’t want to be tying him up and keeping him captive for an hour. Any time you tie him (or he ties you), keep the bindings loose enough to allow proper circulation…and check fingers and toes every 5 minutes to make sure things are copacetic. If you experiment and decide bondage is a turn-on, do some research to be sure you know what you’re doing and can play smart.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My boyfriend likes to have sex in the same “missionary” position every time – me on my back, him on top. I’m bored!  What do you suggest? – Ex-Missionary

Dear Ex Missionary,
I love your signature because it means you’re already on track to make changes. Sex shouldn’t be boring!  Start by asking your boyfriend why he likes that position.  Does he like to look into your eyes?  Can he thrust deeper?  If he presses more onto his knees, can he watch himself thrusting?  Or perhaps he likes to feel more in control?  All of these can be accomplished through other positions. Fantasia has a handy deck of 52 sexual positions that can make experimenting fun. Also, Sexinfo101 is a site with animated straight couples illustrating sexual positions.

I suggest you give him the card deck as a gift, challenging him to try a new position at least once a week. In time, he’ll see that variety will spice up your sex life. You can also view the animated positions together and discuss what might be fun to try.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My daughter is heading off to college, and my biggest fear is that she’ll get pregnant. She hates to talk about anything personal, so what do you recommend I do?  I am embarrassed to talk to her about this, and I haven’t a clue whether she’s sexually active. – Concerned Mom

Dear Mom,
It’s never too late to start talking, and sexual assault, unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STI)are too serious a threat to ignore.  You need to focus on her health and happiness instead of your potential embarrassment.  You don’t need to pry into her personal life. She’s at least 18 and has a right to privacy. So don’t ask whether she’s sexually active, and don’t make assumptions: she may be committed to holding off on intercourse for years to come.  What you can do is buy some condoms, personal lubricant, and an over-the-counter backup contraceptive like foam, film, or suppositories. Make an appointment to talk to her without distractions, and give her the items you’ve purchased, saying, “I don’t know whether you’re sexually active or whether you plan to be, and I don’t need to know.  What I do need to know, as your mom, is that you have some contraceptives in case you need them at college. You’re free to give them to a roommate or friend if you don’t need them.  I also need to share that if you have any questions or concerns about relationships or sex, I hope you’ll feel comfortable coming to me.”  Then, see what happens.

If your insurance plan covers contraceptives, you might mention that if she’s ever at a point where it would be helpful to do so, she can get her contraceptive prescription and STI tests covered by your plan.  At another time, have a conversation about the importance of drinking only in moderation.  I hear a lot of sad stories from college students (male and female) who drink ‘til they nearly pass out and can’t recall later whether they had sex, let alone with whom and whether condoms were used.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My girlfriend and I are in our mid-sixties.  I have problems getting an erection sometimes, and she can’t understand why. The last time it happened she said, “Guys who are 80 are having sex like rabbits, so why can’t you?”  Is she right?  What can I do? – Not a Rabbit

Dear Not a Rabbit,
Your partner sure has a way to go in the sensitivity department. The last thing a man wants to hear, after he’s lost or failed to attain an erection, is a snide remark about his performance. Comments like that will only make you self-conscious and anxious, which may make the problem happen more often.  Has she ever been less than 100% aroused or unable to orgasm during a sexual encounter?  I’ll bet so, and I hope you had the decency not to make fun of her. 

She also needs to get a grip on reality.  Sure, there are 80-year-old men having sex, but they’re not at it like rabbits.  Alcohol, drug use, medications, stress, lack of desire – lots of things can interfere with erections when you’re young, and the effects can worsen with age.  Lifestyle choices, genetics and circulatory health will, over time, affect the tiny blood vessels that are an essential part of the flow of blood into the penis. If these vessels aren’t functioning at 100% capacity, there may not be enough blood getting into and staying in the penis’ spongy tissues to create or maintain an erection.  Nerve damage is another risk factor. Anxiety and other emotional issues can also affect erections. And, if you’re worried about not being able to perform up to your expectations or your partner’s, your anxiety may be reflected in the state of your penis.

I recommend that you talk to your physician or urologist to get an objective opinion about whether what you’re experiencing is routine or indicates a medical concern.  I’m also going to recommend that you visit a sex therapist with your girlfriend so you two can learn to communicate sensitively and lovingly, and so you can explore a more satisfying sexual relationship.   Once things are back to normal, treat yourself to some toys that will, as needed, give you a boost and her a buzz.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I need prostate surgery to treat my cancer, and I’m afraid my partner will leave me because we can’t have sex any more. Is there anything I can do to keep our sex life going after surgery?  -- Concerned Partner

Dear Concerned Partner,
You are right to be concerned about loss of erectile function, and I hope your partner will love you enough to stick by you regardless of your ability to have erections later. There are two types of surgery, one of which is geared toward sparing erectile nerves. It works in many cases, but not all.  Factors affecting post-surgical erectile function include:

Be sure to do everything possible to rehabilitate your erectile nerves immediately following surgery. Before surgery, ask your surgeon about any prescriptions you might need afterward. Typically, men are told to use a drug like Cialis immediately after surgery and to masturbate frequently. This gets blood flowing and stimulates healing.

Second, redefine what “have sex” means. Men can have orgasms without erections, so even if you can’t become erect, you and your partner can enjoy sex play to orgasm using hands, mouths, and toys. If you’re not already competent in bringing your partner to orgasm with your hands, mouth, or toys, now’s the time to work on your skills. No doubt, your partner will be  very happy to help you practice!

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I found condoms in my daughter’s drawer when I was putting her clothes away. She’s only 16 and promised she wouldn’t have sex yet. I don’t want her to think I snoop through her room, but I do want to find out whether she’s having sex. What do you suggest? -- Shocked Mom

Dear Mom,
The good news is that your daughter has condoms. Seriously. She’s either planning ahead to have safer sex; she’s having sex with protection; or she’s hiding condoms for a friend who is practicing safer sex. These are all signs that she’s being responsible.

If you routinely put your daughter’s clothing away, she knew the dresser wasn’t a great hiding place. My guess is that on some level, she wanted you to see the condoms. You can use this as an opening to talk with her about the pleasures and risks of teen sex.

*Parents should talk to sons, too!

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I caught my husband watching porn the other night. I was alarmed that the movie showed a couple doing bondage. I’m not interested in kinky sex, and it bothers me that this movie turned him on. Am I right to be worried? --Plain-Sex Jane

Dear Jane,
You have a right to your feelings, but also, you may be more concerned than you need to be. The fact that you said you “caught” him watching porn suggests that he felt the need to hide it from you. Ask him why he assumed you’d mind if he watched – or assumed that you wouldn’t want to watch it with him. Many couples use porn to warm up before engaging in their own sex play. Offer to watch a video with him, and focus on what’s positive. Maybe the actors are attractive. Or the women have great hair or manicures. Or, jeez, look how flexible they are!  If you are really uncomfortable watching something, speak up. Give your husband the TV remote control and say, “I’ll watch for 10 more minutes. Please fast-forward and show me what you find to be the most exciting part that doesn’t involve …”

Regarding the bondage, he may have sought it out, or he may have been surfing and happened upon it.  Out of context, the images can be disturbing, if the action is extreme. In context, the actors may have been completely at ease with each other, using safe practices so no one was hurt. Without being judgmental, tell your husband that you’re curious about why he picked that video. Tell him that you want to know because it’s important to you that he and you maintain a sexual relationship that pleases both of you.

You might also take a hint from this experience that it’s time to spice things up a bit in the bedroom. Fantasia’s Japanese Silk Cuffs allow couples to experiment with restraints in a fun, comfortable way. You can take turns being “tied up” while the other partner explores, tantalizes and teases. The cuff design makes it easy to release yourself from the restraints at any time.

If you think your husband has an unhealthy interest in porn or bondage, you may need to call a sex therapist. About 1/3 of women consider porn viewing to be a form of cheating, and you have the added concern about bondage. By talking honestly, guided by a sex therapist, you may be able to come to a compromise that turns you both on.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I love my partner, but sex is painful and I don't want it at all! I just to it because he wants to! It's starting to put a huge strain on our relationship. I would like to be able to want sex again, it not be painful, and actually enjoy it again! I dread sex! I can go for months or more without it! What is wrong with me?  -- Dreading Sex

Dear Dreading,
Sexual pain is a real problem for many women, so I’m glad you asked your question.  First, you are right to want to avoid sex that hurts!  Sex should never hurt either partner.  Second, you need to visit your gynecologist for a pelvic exam to check for any physical causes of your pain.  If your doc can’t find anything physically wrong, see a sex therapist to explore any psychological issues that may be causing your pain.

There are many reasons for sexual pain.  Physical or emotional trauma can cause muscles to clamp shut at the thought of sexual activity. There are also assorted infections, skin conditions, and sexually transmitted infections that can cause pain during sex. Internal conditions like endometriosis (scar tissue) and fibroids (benign tumors) and cysts can cause pain with penetration.  Another possible issue might be a lack of sexual desire and/ difficulty getting aroused. If you’re not interested in sex and your partner proceeds to touch you or penetrate you with fingers or a penis, your lack of natural lubrication may make you feel like you’re being rubbed raw.

It’s a good sign that you want to desire sex and that you once enjoyed it. There’s a good chance you can get back your desire, arousal and satisfaction.  Schedule a visit with your gynecologist right away.  And, if necessary, visit a sex therapist with or without your partner.  In the meantime, reconsider what “having sex” means to you both. If you don’t want intercourse but he wants some sexual gratification, consider doing him a favor once in a while by using your hands, mouth, or thighs (he can insert and stroke his penis between them) to please him.  If you can comfortably touch yourself, considering masturbating with him watching so he can learn the kind of touch feels good to you, given your restrictions due to pain. Some couples enjoy watching each other masturbate at the same time.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My friend loves anal sex and keeps telling me to try it, but when my husband and I did it once before, it hurt terribly. We were having intercourse the regular way, and then he just stuck it in there. I thought I’d tear in half, it hurt so much. I can’t imagine any woman enjoying it, so what does my know that I don’t?  -- No Backdoor for Me

Dear No Backdoor,
This is an example of “Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.”  Some couples really enjoy anal sex, while others find it painful, unappealing, or even sinful. Your question doesn’t indicate that you have moral issues with anal sex, so let’s focus on logistics.

Anal sex is always higher risk sex, even for monogamous partners. The anus and rectum lack natural lubrication, and they are made of delicate tissue that can tear easily. Even microscopic tears can create entry points for bacteria and sexually transmitted infections (STI). Remember that some STIs remain dormant for years, so even partners who’ve been faithful to each other during a long relationship may carry viruses that can enter the body through tissue tears and fissures.

Anal sex should never “just happen.” No one should “stick it in there” without notice regardless of whether the object being inserted is a finger, a toy, or a penis. Partners need to discuss whether anal sex interests both parties and progress only if both partners are willing to give it a go.

If you’re game, here are some tips to make anal sex fun:

If you’d like to learn more about anal sex, check out these two books by Tristan Taormino: “The Ultimiate Guide to Anal Sex for Women” and “The Anal Sex Position Guide.”

Dear Dr. Melanie,
Why can’t I orgasm during intercourse? I have no problem during oral  or clitoral stimulation.
Signed, Curious

Dear Curious,
A lot of women have the same concern, and why?  Because ever since psychoanalyst Dr. Sigmund Freud called clitoral orgasms infantile, women have been hoodwinked into thinking there’s something wrong with us if we can’t experience orgasm from vaginal intercourse. It’s great for filmmakers who can throw a pair of actors against a wall, instruct them to moan in tandem, and then pretend simultaneous orgasm occurred without much more than some hip thrusts. Sex research tells a very different story:

The reality is that most women need direct clitoral stimulation to get off. It’s a matter of our anatomy – the clitoris is loaded with wonderful nerve endings, unlike the deeper 2/3 of the vagina. Intercourse can feel great for lots of reasons, but it’s an inefficient way to cum, unless you’re using positions that allow your clitoris to be rubbed during penetration. Or, unless you stimulate your clitoris with fingers or toys during intercourse.

What’s the secret of women who do climax from intercourse alone? Their partners may be stimulating nerves that enervate the cervix, the furthest reaches of the vagina, or the female prostate (aka the G spot). To reach the G spot, you need to explore intercourse positions that would enable your partner’s penis or strap-on dildo to deeply stimulate the anterior wall (toward your belly) of your vagina about 1”-3” inside.  Or, your partner could use a few fingers with the tips curled under (making a “come here” motion) or a curved dildo or vibrator to stimulate that area. Not all women are highly sensitive there, and some women who are sensitive don’t like the sensation, which can feel like the urge to urinate. That feeling usually goes away if you relax for a few seconds and surrender to the sensation.

For many women, hoping for a vaginal orgasm is like looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. The exploration can be fun, but feel bad if you don’t find what you’re looking for. Instead, love the orgasms you do have! And if you want to cum during intercourse, use your hand, your partner’s hand (more difficult), or a toy to stimulate your clitoris during penetration.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My husband and I have been sexually estranged for a number of years. We are in our early fifties, married 14 yrs., a second marriage for us both. The first 2 years of our marriage was strained with outside issues...stepchildren, ex's and money. I also lost my job right before the wedding. We have fought our way through and now in our 14th year; however, over the years we have only had sex maybe 15 times. Each time we try to become intimate, it seems strained and awkward. we love each other but we're more like roommates. When we do try to have sex it's less than satisfying for me because he cannot stay erect and I believe it's because of pressure he puts on himself. We are in a cycle we can't seem to get out of. I'm tired of a sexless life. Recently I went to a toy party and he seemed very open to the products. Do you think this would be a good ice breaker for us and if so, what should we start with? Your help is needed before we're too old to remember how.
Best Regards,
Desperate for sex

Dear Desperate,
You've faced a lot of challenges together, and I'm glad you're both motivated to break out of your sex slump. I suggest that you focus on building intimacy first, without the pressure to have sexual intercourse. Go on some dates -- anything that will allow you to spend time reconnecting away from the TV, computer and household chores. Then, move into more physically intimate activities, like snuggling and kissing in front of the TV or exchanging massages. Let things progress in their own time. Once you feel more like lovers than buddies, check out products together, talking about what might be fun to try now or someday.
When you make love, start from scratch and explore what you both like at this point in your lives. You're older now, so your bodies have changed and you may be less flexible or less naturally wet, and he may have a softer or slower erection. Experiment with sex positions to take the pressure off knees, hips or other tired joints. Fantasia has a nifty deck of position cards if you need suggestions. Use lubricant for extra moisture -- Nearly Me and ID Glide are great, and ID Millennium provides long-lasting slickness (don't use it with silicon toys). Jelly Power Rings or Flower Power rings (not for use with ID Millennium lubricant) can help him enhance and maintain his erection.
Emphasize to your husband that these products are for your mutual pleasure, not because you or he are lacking in any way. Once you're back in the swing of things, knock your socks off with other toys for use together or by yourself.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I had sex with my boyfriend twice within a half hour and he told me my vagina was as tight as the first time. Does the vagina always "reshape" itself back to original immediately shape after sex?
Signed, Like New

Dear Like New,
The vagina is a canal created by muscles that stretch to accommodate a penis, toy, fingers, or whatever else is invited in. Afterwards, it regains its normal state, which is at rest, with the walls of the vagina touching. With age, the muscles can weaken, so women are often advised by their physicians to do Kegel exercises to tone the muscles. These exercises are typically recommended after childbirth, too. Well-toned pelvic floor muscles can increase a woman’s sexual pleasure, control urine leakage, and help support her lower back, abdomen, and organs. There have been reported connections between male pelvic floor tone and the ability to have multiple orgasms.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
When my boyfriend and I have intercourse, sometimes it’s painful for me, and my vagina feels raw the next day. What’s going on? 
Signed, Ouch.

Dear Ouch,
The fact that sex is only sometimes painful may indicate that on those occasions, you weren’t aroused enough for your tissues to lubricate before your  boyfriend’s penis entered your vagina. When women are turned on, the vagina becomes wet with a glistening, slippery liquid called transudate that helps the penis glide smoothly without irritating the vagina. Glands in the vulva also release small amounts of lubrication to moisten the labia (lips) so external touch feels good, too.  The next time you have sex, allow more time for exploring each other’s bodies before touching genitals. Wait until you’re really excited before inviting your boyfriend in.  Depending on the time of your menstrual cycle, you may need a little extra lubrication such as ID Glide or Nearly Me. If the problem continues, consult your physician or gynecologist.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
I enjoy clitoris stimulation while my husband is penetrating my vagina. He thinks stimulation is needed just before penetration and thinks it's abnormal to continue stimulating my clitoris once he’s inside. Do you think so?
Signed, Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,
Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris to orgasm/climax.  The vagina and the clitoris are positioned in such a way that it’s not easy to orgasm simply from a penis, finger or dildo thrusting inside the vagina. You might illustrate what you experience by asking him to withdraw from inside of you right before he finishes. He’ll see how frustrating it is to stop stimulation too early.
Some women enjoy having their male partner on top, positioned so he rubs the clitoris with his pelvis while he’s inside. Others can get off they’re on top, able to rub their clitoris against his body while he’s inside. Experiment with those positions but also think about how your clitoris is being stimulated now.  If he’s using his hand while thrusting inside you, he may find it difficult to divide his attention between your stimulation and his.  Try using your hand to stimulate yourself while he’s inside you. Or, stimulate yourself with a vibrator while he’s inside. If you’re not used to touching yourself, practice in private first so that you learn what feels good without worrying about when he’s going to finish.
Trust that you know what you need and enjoy. He needs to respect what works for you instead of worrying about what he thinks is “normal.”  Sexual enjoyment isn’t about what works for other people; it’s about what works for you.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
My good friend’s boyfriend has a foot fetish. She is a bit freaked out by it but loves him anyway. She’s curious, though, if there’s anything she can do to gear him toward stopping his fetish? 
Friend

Dear Friend,
A fetish is an object that has extremely strong sexual connotations for someone. While one person might think a woman with sexy feet is hot, a fetishist might virtually ignore the woman in order to get off on her feet. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a fetish, but it can interfere with relationships if the other person feels ignored. Since your friend loves her boyfriend, it’s worth her while to try to negotiate. She might be willing to let him fondle, wash, sniff, lick or suck her feet if he pays equal attention to the rest of her body. Or maybe she’d enjoy masturbating while he gets off on her feet. If the couple cannot negotiate behavior that works for both of them, they should visit a sex therapist for counseling.

Dear Dr. Melanie,
Is it OK to shave my pubic hair a couple of times a week?
From Hairy Lady

Dear Hairy Lady,
If you enjoy the feeling of smooth skin, go for it, but do it because it pleases you, not because it’s a trend. Plenty of partners are attracted to -- or can get used to -- the natural look. If you want to shave, use your own clean, sharp razor. Never borrow someone else’s razor because even the most careful shaving can cause microscopic cuts in the skin and leave traces of blood and blood-borne pathogens on the blade. When you shave, let hot water soften your skin first, and then apply a shaving lotion or foam to soften the hair, making it easier to shave without causing ingrown hairs.